Finding the bright spot

Carter is having a rough time lately. After my last post Carter asked me if he needed too much or if he was bad. I said no why? He said he was wondering if that if why his parents don’t want to see him or be apart of his life. He then texted a bunch of adult males in his life and asked them to go out to eat. It was already 6:30pm on a Sunday. So no one was available, however they made plans for future days. I really appreciate these men who make space for him. I think he is so longing for that validation that others want to spend time with him.

Carter has been acting out and very emotional all week. The other day he acted out for over two hours. Trying to find any reason to be mad at me, blame me. At the end of it, he was was crying asking me if he was bad or needed too much or if he had been better would Mary be so messed up. He asked me if he had tried harder when he did have visitation, would she want to see him. Then he was asking me why he can’t have a normal life, with a mom and dad. Over two hours, and this has been building since the weekend really. He kept getting little things out over the last few days but it didn’t feel completely right. Anyway, in the end I think it’s good he got it out.

I have learned to try and make things fun after one of these moments with Carter. Truth is he feels so bad after, and like he is undeserving of my love. I constantly tell him that I love him no matter what. It’s the little things though, the little thing we do to brighten the day.

Tonight was one of those nights, although he didn’t act out just was really emotional. He’s grieving I think, he said he doesn’t think Mary will ever want to be apart of his life. Anyway, after we talked and he let out his emotions. I told him let’s do your hair.

Let’s do you hair… you are probably like what? Lately Carter has been trying to get a new look. He wants to grow out the top and keep it short on the sides. His hair is more wavy though, so it’s not quiet going the way he wants. So I sat him down and I used my hair dryer that also straightens and I did his hair. At first I did really funny ones. He kept laughing, I kept saying I’m going to make him go out in public like that. We were laughing and having a good time. In the end he loved what I did with his hair. He asked if I would do it again next time. I agreed, then he gave me a hug and said thank you. He then said thanks for making my day better.

He came out for three hugs and I love you’s before bed. I tucked him in (yes I still tuck him in), and kissed his forehead. These are little things that most teenagers won’t let you do. For Carter, I think it’s about reliving or getting those moments he missed out on. He doesn’t take it for granted, and he loves when I make space for that “kiddish” stuff.

The light in my very long day/week was his smile and his laugh. It was such a simple thing, I did his hair. It’s also something I’ve always done with him. When he was a little kid I would always play with his hair. Make Mohawks, and other cool hair styles. He loved it! We ended our night on a high note, one filled with love, kindness, and gratefulness. We found our bright spot.

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