We had mediation for the third time last week. When it was over we had an agreement. We were waiting on Mary to sign the paperwork. We had a scheduled case conference today. Mary signed the agreement and sent an email stating she is withdrawing her objection to the adoption.
This means that on May 18th and 9am, Carter will be adopted!!! We are so excited and happy about this. We celebrated tonight and had a good time doing it so. God made a way today and we are so grateful to him.
I’d be a miss to say that we didn’t talk about the sadness of it too. Carter and I talked about at length how we hope that Mary gets the help she needs and is able to turn her life around. Carter feels like this will never happen. He said if she couldn’t do it to get me back she probably never will. I asked him to hold out hope and keep an open mind. We would love it if she did and was a bigger apart of our lives. He promised he’d try.
Here’s the thing I’ve learned to accept with taking care of Carter. He is reminded of Mary often and that brings mixed feelings. So things like holidays, birthdays, special events, vacations… they all remind him of Mary. It is hard for him and it makes him sad and angry and other things too. I’ve tried to teach him to acknowledge it and say it. He has improved on this. Just the other week we were with friends and their kid. Their son was acting up kinda being bratty but he was overtired and being rude to their parents. Carter turned to me and said he was triggered by his behavior. I asked in what way. He said because what I wouldn’t give to have a mother and a father and a normal family life. Then he said it also makes me feel guilty for the way I treat you sometimes. We talked it out, and he felt a little lighter not having to carry it alone.
Kinship is complicated… when I called my dad to tell him about the ruling, he said how did Mary seem is she okay? While I appreciate that he is worried about her, he has a relationship with her. My dad often says he’s glad I have Carter and it’s the right call, but doesn’t celebrate it with us. I think he struggles with feeling torn because Mary is his daughter. He is also afraid of what she will do and how she will react to things. Even in telling others our news it is mixed reactions. That is okay, I have learned to expect and accept it.
A lot of people say Carter is so lucky to have you and he is such a good kid. He is really he is. He also has a lot of trauma and hard things to deal with. What people don’t know is that he sleep walks and has nightmares almost every night. He is 15, but emotionally only 10 and that is hard for him. He is so scared I’ll leave him and not come home and he constantly reminds me he’s here. If he thinks I’ve been gone too long he will call worried I left him, because he’s been left before. He struggles with telling the truth because if he messed up he didn’t know what reaction he would get from Mary and that scared him. He really longs for a dad and cries about it often. He has some great males in his life. He is just really wants a dad of his own. He has anxiety and bites the inside of his mouth when he gets upset. He needs lots of hugs and told I love you serval times. If he makes a mistake he wants a hug and told he is loved or he can’t relax. He is so afraid even now that my love is conditional. This is something I’m hoping with time gets better. He gets jealous if I give my time to the dog or someone on the phone, because he is worried he will be put on the back burner. He is also very generous, kind, and loyal. He hates to see anyone upset. He loves to draw and write. He loves to play video games and needs very strict limits and boundaries. He would even tell you he like the boundaries even though he doesn’t like all that it entails. This is kinship… I’m sure it’s similar to other families. This is our family, our journey.